We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
