And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
