1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
