i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
