Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
