Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Randomize
