why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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