I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
