I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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