Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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