She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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