my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
