My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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