My room smells like vodka and shame
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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