my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
