you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
