you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
