Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
