What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
