I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
