i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
