I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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