If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
