just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
