Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
