Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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