What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
