you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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