Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
