i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
