A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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