So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
