I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
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