He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I wear drunk well.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
