Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
