did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
