I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
