when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
