Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
