also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
