please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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