He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
