I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
