I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
