My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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