I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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