dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
They are going to name an STD after you.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
