how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
