I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
