Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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